The simple tears.
The messy ones.
The ones that felt heavy.
The ones that were breaking through fear from 2002.
The ones that were breaking down fear of yesterday.
The fear of this morning.
The fear that I am choosing to feel so that I can move through.
All of them.
It soaked them up.
I could see each droplet dispersing every time I moved back to down dog.
Every time I stepped through to warrior 1.
Each drop, I saw and felt a layer of my uncertainty remove.
I felt myself shift.
The first child pose, I felt weak, scared, full of fear, stuck. The only breath I could move was through my mouth. Once I started to breathe my fear. I started to breathe in what felt uncertain. (Right now, a lot feels uncertain) And when I say feels, I mean seems. I don’t know any facts right now. All I know is what seems. I started to shift and breathe out my uncertainty. I started to breathe in strength of those around me. I started to breathe in my strength. I started to feel myself leading from my heart instead of my head.
Yesterday, I went to visit an Endocrinologist at KU Med for elevated prolactin levels after my annual visit at the lady doctor. I have been through this before, in 2002 I experienced the same experience. This time it felt more real. Right now I am back to the high possibility of a tumor in my pituitary gland. In my head, Tumor equals the scariest thing possible. In real life/fact, these tumors are benign. They are treatable. They need to be taken care of. In the end, I know I will be fine. Right now I am experiencing what I preach in my yoga classes. The stories we create start to become our realities. Stories start to become the meaning of life. Where can I separate what seems vs. what is?
The story I am creating lives in the waiting I am experiencing right now. That is driving me up the wall. Yesterday, I was preoccupied with a few of my favorite things: started with a chai latte right after my appointment. I remember when I had to get my blood drawn in high school and right after an MRI my mom and dad took me out to breakfast and I had my first ever chai latte. It was the biggest treat. It reminds me of home. Right after leaving KU med, I called both of my parents and headed to the nearest coffee shop to fill my heart with a chai latte. I instantly felt love. The love that both my parents were right there by my side. The chai latte carried me throughout the day, I was blessed to be at a job I love, to teach yoga to an amazing room of people, and come home to dinner already made by my fiancé. (I love writing fiancé and I am going to keep soaking that up all I can…)
All day I had no time to think.
Except last night, I was still wired probably since I have no caffeine in my diet, the minimal amount of caffeine from the chai latte kept me up. Tyler went to bed before me. and Ruby too.
For the first time all day, everything was still.
I was still.
Then the fear started to walk in. Tears started to fall. I started to feel everything that I experienced over the past 12 hours. I felt so strong all day. Woke up, said hell yes, told fear to F off (loudly), got out of bed, showered, ready to go, conquered meeting with doctor by myself, powered up more to get blood drawn. I was really strong for myself because I know if I can’t be there for me, no one else can.
On the flip side my my brain started to tick last night “Why am I not normal? What is normal? Why do I have to go through this? I wonder if a pituitary tumor could ever be cancerous? Will I have to have surgery? Could I die from this? Will I be able to have kids? I want to have a family. Will my levels go back to normal? I wonder when my lab results will come back? I wonder what answers my doctor will give me? What can I do right now to stop thinking? I wonder what time she will call? Will she call tomorrow or Friday? Will I have to wait all the way till Monday? I wonder if anyone I know has been through this? I wonder what will happen if I start medication? Will I have side effects? How long will I have to be on medications? What if this is all a mistake? What if this is more serious than the doctor thinks? What if I stop thinking and just let myself experience? That is way harder than it sounds. I think it is time to go to bed."
My brain went in every direction.
I finally decided to go to bed. I put my legs up the wall on the couch before I went to bed to calm my head down. This morning I woke up and tears started to fall.
The build up of 24 hours is real. IT is heavy. I know I needed to feel every tear. That is what I did. Right when I woke up, I called my mom all I wanted was to hear her say is “I love you and you will be fine” Mom knows best, those were her exact words.
“All you can deal with is what you know right now, all you can deal with are the facts. I love you, You will be fine”
I heard these words all the way on my 20 minute drive to yoga. And they are still comforting and replaying in my mind.
When I unrolled my mat this morning, I was surrounded by connection, love, community, support. I began to step into my body. My body of not only physical strength but also emotional strength. I was in my true north. The moment I breathed out all uncertainty of what I thought was happening, the fear started to crumble off, tear by tear, sweat drop by sweat drop. I was doing the Heartwork. I was shifting myself. The hardest posture was being in Tree pose. Standing in my true north, I felt like I was standing alone. It was messy. Then I experienced a shift. Tears started to fall again. At that moment I chose to give up fear and step into a possibility of trust. I was full on me in that moment. I didn't even do the left side because I needed to experience the shift. If I don't stand for trusting myself, no one else will.
At the end of practice, Susan read a passage on a man experiencing fear. The last line, “you will be fine”. For the second time today, I was graced with “you will be fine"
Why I am sharing this?
I don't want you to feel bad for me, just read another blog post, or offer a quick fix. This is a process. Fear is a process.
I do want you to know I am imperfectly perfect just like you, vulnerable, open and undefended.
I want to empower you.
Each of us has our baggage, guards we put up, things we can't let go, fear we hold onto like it is the meaning of our life.
Right here, right now.
I know the boldest place is to create from what you experience and be of service by sharing. We all experience fear. Maybe it is with family, friends, work, yourself, death, love, kids, marriage, divorce, change, lack of control, or a new experience.
Trust. Whatever fear you are experiencing, you will be fine.
No matter what today brings, tomorrow, next week. I know five things.
- I am me. I matter. (Thank you to the extraordinary Jacki Carr)
- Baptiste Yoga works.
- I am normal. I give up today's fear, and stand in possibility of trust.
- Being a fiance feels good.
- I will be fine and you will too.